Spring has sprung and that means churches across the country are hard at work preparing for Vacation Bible School and Backyard Bible Clubs this summer. Generally churches select a theme for these so that all the lessons and games and activities can fit together seamlessly. Well, here are some options churches could choose, but I would suggest going with a different option.
One lucky family will get their child back at the end of the week! But no worries – you can watch the whole week on closed circuit cameras piped directly into your home whether you like or not.
For this morning’s activity we’re going to paint a doorpost in blood! After that we’ll play “avoid the flaming serpents.” For snack we’ll have pheasant . . . every day.
Nobody is a good guy, everyone dies, but hey, there be dragons. Also, don’t leave the premises or the white walkers will get you.
Tuesday: beaten with rods
For the afternoon craft we’ll make crystal meth in our underwear, but don’t worry we have masks so nobody gets asphyxiated.
Ok, all the 1s go to that corner; you’ll be burned at the stake. All the 2s go to that corner; you’ll be fed to lions. All the 3s go to that corner; you’ll be crucified.
Team One, you’re the papists. Your goal is to eliminate team two with all prejudice.
Team Two, you’re the reformers. Your goal is print as many Bibles and tack up as many lists of theses as you can before dying. The winner will be determined by history.
Let’s go back in time to when women were expected to stay in the kitchen, racial segregation abounded, and the Bible was used to defend both. Wasn’t it grand, boys and girls?
We’ll take every Bible story you’ve ever learned, apply new and opaque vocabulary, try to make it a metaphor, and refuse to let you memorize anything. Then we’ll do a scantron test at the end of the week.
Every attendee must wear either a plaid shirt or a blazer. We need at least 13 boys for every girl in attendance. Bible lessons will last for 50-60 minutes. Criticism will be heaped upon attendees and teachers via social media.